When I was nineteen, I went to a party, took some LSD and walked out into the moonlit Arizona desert. I needed to be alone and needed to find something, although I didn’t know what. I climbed up a small mountain to a view of the city skyline. The climb apparently winded me, because my heart was beating fast. My pounding heart caused me to be increasingly aware of my mortality, which caused my heart to pound even faster. I wondered whether the combination of a psychedelic and physical exertion could kill me. My heart raced faster. And then I died.
I immediately felt surrounded by benevolent beings I understood to be angels, who assured me I was alright. I was more than alright. I was completely awake and alive! I had suddenly woken from a dream to the actual, real world. Except, there was no more “me”. There was only perception…of everything and of life…with absolute clarity and understanding. I was dead, but more alive than ever.
I “walked” back to the party at my friend’s home where two friends were outside playing catch with a grapefruit. As I approached, I could feel light all around me and saw my friends looking at it. Then one of them threw the grapefruit at me. Being dead, I didn’t try to catch it. But it hit me in the chest, and I suddenly realized I was visible…and alive. For the next few weeks, I did everything I could, including taking massive doses of niacin, to return to normal. But I could not forget the real world and could not escape the fact that the world I had inhabited my whole life was not real. Since then, I have spent my life seeking that real world, the “Big World”, with sporadic and fleeting results.